'Nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
'but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids, who I'm proud of,
'cos every one of 'em reminds me a little of me.
'They can think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
'Fiona, who's a massive help.
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'lan's like his mam, which is handy for the others, cos she's disappeared.
'Carl. We daren't let his hair grow, for two reasons.
'One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love it.
'Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel.
'Check your change, but she'll always do you a favour.
'Plus Liam! Gonna be a star,
'once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not.
'Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.
'Lend you anything - well, not anything.
'But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Scatter!'
(Steve) 'The more time I spent with this family,
'the more I sussed that the linchpins were the females.
'Fiona, the breadwinner, surrogate mother,
'then Debbie, a born leader in a tribe of males.'
Good morning, Crumble.
'Everything she did was for the benefit of that family.
'She had stamina, compassion, and understanding.
'But she also had a twisted view of generosity.
'She was only happy when she pleased people. One Saturday changed all that.
'She emerged from her chrysalis a fully-formed butterfly.
'It was a day none of us could ever forget,
'however hard we tried.'
- Wow! Gorgeous girl, aren't you? Mm... - (Traffic rumbles)
(Wind chimes tinkling)
(Groans)
(Car horn toots)
For God's sake.
- Ooh, sorry! I thought you were out. - I was round Nana's but the water's off.
- Eh, Frank. - Yeah?
Chuck us that towel.
I don't think so. I'll make do with a hand towel.
But...
Don't throw it.
All right, love.
There you go. There you are.
(Sheila) Those cats have been at our bin again.
- Do you want owt from the chemist? - Ooh! Only if you're passing.
But if he tries palming you off with Seroxin,
saying it's the same as Praxil, well, it's not.
This one says 300 milligrams, so I want 300 milligrams.
Not a shed-load of 150s.
(Door closes)
(Car horn toots)
Aw...
Look at that!
- You need a lift? - An hour ago, yeah. Where is that from?
(Chuckles) One careful owner - my dentist.
- Your own dentist? - Yeah, well, he robs me, I rob him.
I saw you driving down Princess Road this morning. I waved.
Yeah, well, sorry mate, didn't see you.
It was red then.
Hello.
(Footsteps upstairs)
Can you hear that?
It's one of the kids.
(Footsteps again)
Can't be. You watched me unlock the door.
Lip's got the only other set.
(Thuds)
Not a chance!
- If they're burgling us, it's a nutter. - Shut the fuck up!
(Stair creaks)
(Door opens)
(Laughter)
State of him! If you weren't a mate, we'd put it round, "gutless wimp".
- Said the gobbets at the back! - With biceps and up front, skid marks!
You OK, Debs? You're not, are you?
- I went past Katy Mason's party. - Who's Katy Mason?
Just outside,
walking past.
And her dad, he...
- Her dad did what? - Nothing.
Debbie...
Just take your time, all right?
He was just laughing with them, and playing with them.
I couldn't see their faces.
It's not fair!
Hey, hey! What wasn't fair?
Everything.
- So, I nicked something. - You...?
(Laughter)
From the party?
Jesus, Debbie!
- Me heart nearly stopped then! - Debs, we've all done it.
Well done for owning up, but don't try it again.
Especially if confessions are your strong point!
- You cheeky monkey! - (Baby chattering upstairs)
(Liam) Who's that, Debbie?
(Giggling)
(Police siren)
Oh, here we go!
Send in the clowns! What have we done?
Hey, what's anybody done?
Don't pick on people round here.
Tony Blair! You want a set to, go and nail that twat!
Who's the parents? Move back! Who are the parents?
- Here they are. - Now, listen to me. No, listen to me.
The faster we get information... Come on, what are your names?
- Jackie and Stewart. - Jackie, Stewart,
the faster we get information, the faster we know what to do.
There's a team on the way and we need precise details.
- When did you last see Jody? - Half twelve.
- Age? - Three next week.
He was a really good angel.
Kiddie. Up the street. Snatched!
Thin air!
Oh, God help us...
(Giggles)
I'll show you who's best man.
- Hey, Lip, is it true? - What?
- Unlucky in white, if you're lying. - What?
"My big day, Robert."
She only married him cos he paid off his mortgage out of Disability.
Oof!
- What's your name? - Jody.
Jody.
'She was outside the gate.'
No-one was watching.
Did she walk up and you just spotted her?
And you are happy that we found you
when you were looking for your mam on the street?
You'd no idea where she belongs, so you brought her here.
So that we could help you.
No. She had a party badge on.
- Why'd you take her? - She was crying for her mum.
Where was her mum? Nobody cared!
They will now! For fuck's sake, this is all we need. Are you right in the head?
- Grr! - Fiona, calm down, all right?
Kids get lost all the time.
We take it back and we say...
(Fiona) We're going to take you home, aren't we, Jody?
Yeah.
- Hi. What's going on? - It's OK, Andrea.
Me and lan, we're just having a laugh.
Aren't prostitutes shy?
- Still doing insurance claims, Lip? - What are you after?
I'm thinking, high winds, March 18th. Aerial goes through the roof.
Look, for Christ's sake!
..to two floors down. That's two ceilings, three carpets, and a NICAM telly.
Do you know what an aerial weighs? Let's say the chimney went.
How much do you charge?
Ten for the forms, 20 when the claim's paid, plus labour for pretend rubble,
cos you don't have a chimney.
(Megaphone) 'Ladies and gentlemen, please can I have your attention?
'I know emotions are running high. I appreciate you really want to help...'
How many times does this have to happen before anybody listens?
Eh? Hey, count the troops!
Count the troops! If we lived in Chorlton they'd be all over like fucking crabs.
A kiddie missing, one van, one car!
Six monkeys! You know, makes you sick!
Not the pigs themselves, you know, thingies...
Policies! The Home Office. Probably Tony Blair! Again! I say...
Look at everybody.
We haven't got a clue about this. We found her walking, all right?
- I feel sick. - You get her out, I'll do the talking.
Oh, Fiona, Steve.
Kiddie, this size. Jody. Little Jody.
- You haven't passed a kiddie? - Somebody wandered off, Frank?
No! Frank spotted a junkie looking over the fence at the party.
About ten seconds before little Jody disappears!
Junkie with dreads. Ugly bastards. Scummy.
What the fuck are we doing, standing here? Get him!
Go on, get after him!
- Jody! - Where do Jody's parents live, Sheila?
Wennon Street. But I think they're still up there with the police.
The kid was gonna be three next week. He's not even three, Steve.
We'll get on the street and... He?
I know, it's bad enough if it's a girl, innit? But your only son!
- I mean, can you imagine? - We'll hit the road to have a look.
Aye, good lad.
It's a boy! Great! Get him down!
God be with you.
I know she's not a virgin, cos I were there when she lost it.
Bouncer. Sean Creed.
Plus...
I were knobbing her every Friday down school baths.
You were?
God, yeah.
Towel room.
We had to do it in the pump house.
Took me years to work out why the smell of bleach followed me round.
Are we going up for a kip?
Can't budge.
Do you like me hair this colour?
Suits you.
Me neither. Oh...
(Applause and cheering on TV)
Oh, well played.
- What's the score, Kash? - Eh? 2-1. I think.
Give us some baccy and a packet of razors as well, mate.
How's the baby, then, Pete?
Me and Claire have had 10 hours' kip in a fortnight. I'm this close to losing my job.
(Cash register beeps)
How was it between you and Yvonne? You know, sex and that?
- Pretty ordinary. - No, after the first.
Oh, right, yeah...
About a fortnight.
Fuck all in two months, me. She won't let me near her. I'm pulling myself stupid.
Yeah, I can imagine.
You can see why I'm skint as well, can't you?
If that cat walks past me one more time with its tail in the air,
it's getting one up the ring, cos I am ten wanks beyond fussy.
Cheers, mate.
- Eh, good luck! - I'm gonna need it.
There he is!
Where's the kid?
The kid!
The baby's at home.
Oi! Get off him!
Animals!
Come on, let's search his flat.
Come on, let's go!
- What's all that about? - Fuck knows.
(Doorbell ringing)
Kev! Door!
(Knocking, doorbell)
Kev!
- Oh... - I'm desperate. 15 minutes, I promise.
Yeah, all right.
No biscuits, Liam, but if you help me rinse this lot off
we can nip to the shop later. Come on!
- (Door slams) - (Fiona) Where is she?
Debbie!
Debbie...
(Toilet flushing)
Debbie, get out here!
- Where's his clothes? - They were covered in chocolate.
(Washing machine spinning)
She stuck it on a boil wash.
Can you pass us a towel, love?
Right. What time is it?
Kev's back at work at six.
- We'll get started... - Why?
Who the fuck are you?
Kev, don't!
Age 3-5.
You having a laugh? That looks massive.
Heya. What are you looking at? Is that for your birthday?
- No. - When is your birthday?
I'm nearly four.
Yeah. Come on, get in. Happy birthday, mate.
(Siren)
We are now looking for a three-year-old lost boy,
with strawberry-blond hair.
- Got the wig off Suzy. - Who's Suzy?
Dressing Suzy. My hairdressing kit.
Blue leggings, red trunks, trainers, and a Captain Curtis T-shirt.
- And the dress? - World Children shop.
- Answering to the name of... - Jody!
Was Jody inside or outside the gates when you grabbed her?
- I didn't grab her. - And it's not her!
I know. Inside.
Please contact us immediately. We need your help looking for a lost...
- How did you get him? - I waved some chocolate buttons.
- Who saw you? - Nobody! We just ran.
Legging it down the street with a baby?
In a pram.
- What pram? - Liam's old one.
- I chucked it out. - I fixed it. For emergencies.
- (Steve) What kind of emergencies? - I don't know.
- What did you stick him in a dress for? - I wanted a girl,
but none of the girls wanted a chocolate.
(Knocking on door)
Fiona! Fiona!
Who the hell's this? We're not bloody childminders, you know!
It's still damp, and it still looks brand new to me.
What did I say to you last week?
She put all our forks in the knife drawer. She's off her fucking cake sometimes.
- Who's screwy for letting her? - Debbie planned this.
- And thanks, friend! - Me?
I've had that kid in our house. I'm involved now!
(Steve) Debbie's a kid herself, with a problem.
The worst that can happen is she gets help.
What kind of help?
She nabbed a kid, right? If we leave it, it'll get much worse.
- You mean grass her up? - Lip, you said it was premeditated.
Whoa, posh lad! I don't know what help means where you come from,
but they'll shred Debbie. Screwy or not, they don't take prisoners.
She's not screwy, and she didn't steal. She borrowed him accidentally.
Not if she used fucking chocolate to get him in a pram, Veronica.
They'll torch our house!
(Megaphone) 'We are looking for a young boy...
- 'wearing blue trainers...' - No!
'..and a Captain Curtis T-shirt.'
If Social Services find out Dad moved in with Sheila,
they'll have a field day splitting us up.
'You know what happened last time!'
No!
Next suggestion on a much bigger fucking postcard!
Jo-o-o-o-dyyyy!
(Door opens and slams shut)
- I can't eat, Sheila. - Well, you should try, sweetheart.
Eh?
If that kid was one of mine, I'd want that guy's bollocks in a bag. No two ways!
So we're too lenient with sex offenders?
Say what you like about Saddam,
he'd have had that twisted bastard melted down.
Tell Tony Blair. That's how you'll get my vote. Pasty-faced gimp! Write that down!
Hey! She does Cherie Blair. Do Cherie Blair for us. Do it for us, go on.
(Screeching) I'm just a normal wife and mother.
She does it better than that, usually.
- (Reporter) Frank, you're a father of six. - Well, you'd die for your kids.
They so much as get a temperature, you're there!
It's eight o'clock. Take me! Give it to me!
So you drum it in to your children to avoid strangers?
Spot a nonce, deck him first, go for the eyes, cripple the fuck.
Then fine, and addle.
Will they listen?
- I'll try and nip back later, Frank. - Hey... (lndistinct)
- What's all that about? - You missed it all.
It's awful. Abduction.
Little Jody.
Jo-o-o-dyyyy!
(lmitates Gollum) They've come to take our precious...
No, the precious is ours for all eternity.
It's a girly precious, not a boysy precious.
How can that be, if he's got a penis?
- Oh, no.... - Pack it in, you.
- Don't need you, Carl. - (Sniggers)
- I only wanted to cheer him up. - Who wouldn't?
- He needed looking after. - Yeah, we know that.
But if it's a bloke or a boy taking Jody home, people think something bad.
Not if you took him.
We can't, cos we've already been round there saying we know nothing.
We'd sound like we were telling lies!
- You were. - Yeah, for you!
- Look, it's been three hours since... - Three and a half!
That's a long time, Debbie. An adult would have phoned somebody by now.
Well, what would I have to say?
Get on your bike. Corner of Beaker Street and David's Lane, the phone box.
Ring the police and say this. Exactly this.
- 20 past four. Exactly 20 past four. - Why should I?
Do you want to go into a children's home?
The one on Crofton's got a full-size trampoline.
Just do it!
- I don't own a bike. - So go and nick one.
Shit!
- (Ringing tone) - 'Emergency services.'
'I was walking up Beaker Street...'
- Coming from the...? - Swimming baths.
When I saw Jody.
- You didn't know his name then. - A little boy.
- On his own. - On his own.
- Crying. I asked where her mum was. - Not her.
I asked him where his mum was,
- and he didn't know. - Good girl, that's great, Debs.
I looked round. I couldn't see any adults.
He was upset.
So I gave him some chocolate, which he liked.
Good!
You turned left, out of David's Lane, heading for the park.
- Past Beaker Street, into David's Lane. - 'When was this?'
"10 minutes, back when I saw him."
"10 minutes back. When I saw him, I thought,
- "Isn't that the kid they're looking for?" - 'Definitely Captain Curtis?'
I didn't say Captain Curtis, I said... cape...
- 'Sorry, go on.' - He was with a girl.
- 'Can you describe her?'
Then you went to a phone box at Bristol Grove.
I went to a phone box on Bristol Grove. I thought, "I'd best phone the police."
Or somebody. That one was vandalised.
There's a phone box at Beaker Street and David's Lane.
Why didn't you use that one, Debbie?
- Cos there was someone using it. - An adult?
- Yeah. - You didn't tell the adult
that you found a child?
He was using the phone box as a toilet, so I didn't trust him.
- 'So we ran.' - 'Good.'
So I decided to walk towards home and tell youse.
- So we crossed Benson Road... - At the crossing.
Crossed Benson Road at the pelican,
and Jody caught his cloak on a bit of fencing,
and it ripped.
- Eh, wow! What do you look like now? - A girl!
- No, you don't. - Lipstick.
Not lipstick.
- Where's your socks? - (Giggles)
Socks!
Fiona will switch the kids. If anybody asks, she's been shopping, all right?
We're getting off. I'll see you round Sheila's in half an hour, all right?
Lip, can you stick the kids in the car, please?
- Come on, you two, quick! - I'm coming.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
- What will they do to her if they find her? - Don't even think about this.
- She's fine. She's doing great. - She can't tell lies. She never could.
- She's not even sorry! - Yeah, I know.
If this all goes pear-shaped with the authorities,
should I say I'm living here?
- Why? - Less risk of the kids getting split up
if they know two wages are coming in.
Yeah.
All right? Come here.
Good luck. All right?
- Bravo Echo, come in. - 'Receiving, over.'
Unconfirmed sighting, junction Beaker Street and David's Lane.
Captain Curtis, question mark, could be Jody.
Accompanied by a young girl, question mark.
Young girl with handbag, question mark. Could be girl or small female.
- Proceed to target immediately. - 'On our way. Over.'
Now.
Come on. Now. Come on, Liam, go with Debbie. Here, look, chocolate.
Come on. Go with Debbie. Good boy.
- Debbie, do you trust Fiona? - Yeah.
Do you think she trusts you? I don't think so. She thinks you're a crap liar.
- But do you know what I think, Debs? - No.
You could be a brilliant liar if you wanted to be.
You could be a much better liar.
You know lawyers, doctors and nurses and all that lot?
(Debbie) Yeah.
Professional liars. They tell lies to make people's lives better.
Your doctor wouldn't say, "Tough, you're dying of cancer," would he?
No.
He'd say, "We're doing all we can."
- Yeah. - So, what if today you were a doctor,
telling a doctor's kind of lie, would you blush?
- No. - Right. You're a doctor.
Can I be a nurse?
(Steve) Yeah.
Right, be brilliant. Yeah, Debs?
(Jody) I'll be the doctor.
Get my jacket. Come on.
Good luck.
Be a good doctor, yeah? And I'll be a good nurse.
- Jody! - Jody!
(ln distance) Jody!
- Boo! - Boo.
Upsadaisy.
Get in, Liam. In the pram! Where are you going?
- Don't do this to me now! - (Liam giggles)
Come back here, please!
- What? - What are you doing?
- Bar work. I'm the barman. - You're not due till six.
Oh, my watch must be fast. Well, I'm here now. Usual, Billy?
- I'm only paying you from six! - Yeah.
Captain Curtis, eh?
It's been a while since I've seen one of them.
Captain Curtis costume.
Kid in a Captain Curtis costume.
Takes you back, doesn't it?
Child! Blond!
About three! In a Captain fucking Curtis costume!
No?
None of you?
- Forget it! - What did you say, Kev?
- Forget it. - Captain Curtis, go on.
I was saying, what I was trying to say...
I haven't seen a Captain Curtis costume in years,
and I used to have one. I just passed a kid in one and it reminded me of me.
- Have you told anybody? - Yeah.
These deaf old twats aren't interested.
Because that's what they are. Where did you see him?
I just passed him on Benson Road.
That's little Jody. He vanished this afternoon.
They've been searching for him.
Which I heard nothing about. I was at a wedding.
- Kev, blond, about three? - Blond, about three.
- With a junkie? - No, no, with a young...
I wouldn't say "a young girl" if it was Debbie from next door.
What if she was wearing a hat?
- Is she? - 'No.'
I'll ring you back.
Come on!
- (Mobile phone rings) - Veronica?
'Debbie needs a hat so Kev wouldn't recognise her.'
- But she isn't. - 'We know that.'
- What kind? - 'What have you got?'
- But she's in position. - 'Oh, Jesus...'
We're sorted. Baseball cap, black.
(Mobile phone ringing)
- Yeah. - Kev, the police need to know
where they're heading.
Black baseball cap.
Psst!
- You're wearing this. - Not if I'm a nurse.
- What? - I'm a nurse now.
And I'm a brain surgeon. Put the cap on.
Oi!
All right, yeah. Good boy.
- Where's your cape? - I don't know.
Yeah. Yeah. Hang on. That's Benson Road?
Heading in which direction?
They've not found him?
I can't stop thinking what his parents are going through.
Oh, I know.
Would you like a drink, Fiona? I've got no mixers left.
Oh, uh... A cup of tea would be great, thanks, Sheila.
You sit down. You look worn out.
Just ignore me. Clock stopped at two, so I took double medication by accident.
Hi, sweetheart!
Come here. Give us a cuddle, for a chocolate finger.
- I'll stick the kettle on. - Aren't you getting chubby?
I can hardly lift you.
(Phone ringing)
Can you stay on the line, please, sir?
(Kev) 'I've got customers to serve.'
Just hold the line, please.
This is promising. Not random, definite pattern to it.
Here, 16:10, here, 16:30.
- Makes it on foot? - Yeah, right.
Tango Four, current location?
We're at Ridgeway Road, waiting on Unit 15. Nothing as yet, sarge.
'You want Benson Road, towards Chatsworth Estate.'
Second possible sighting, so shift yourselves.
'RAU.' - What?
- (Siren) - Received and understood.
So say, "Received and understood."
Yeah, but that's seven syllables and we're in a rush, so RAU.
If it's nonces we're after, we should nail that creepy shit!
Have you seen his locker? S Club 8!
(Siren)
- Peekaboo. Peekaboo. - Peekaboo.
Peekaboo!
- Aaaargh! - What?
Hey! Lads have kicked a confession out of Ice Cream Alec.
He admits to dipping his knob in the tubs.
What? He took little Jody?
We don't know till he comes out of theatre.
(Police siren)
- I don't know. - I can't be a nurse. I don't feel like one.
Without a dress on, how can I feel like a nurse?
- (Cheering) - Jody!
(Cheering)
(Sirens)
Where the hell have you been? We've been worried sick about you.
- Where did you find him? - He was on his own.
He didn't know where he lived.
Thank you...
What did I say? We'll find him for you!
Little Debbie!
Little Jody!
Ra! Hoo-hah!
(Cheering)
Hi, Debbie. Can we take you somewhere quiet?
- What for? - To take a statement.
- But she found him. - I know. We need to take a statement.
You can stay with her.
It's OK. I'll be fine.
- She probably wants you with her. - Yeah, course she will. Come on, Debs.
We'll pick it up later.
- Uh-uh! It's Debbie's. - I know!
- Just so you do. - Get it now before it all...
Watch it! It's blowing away.
Oh, fuck! Does it look like that scene in Gone With The Wind?
Karen!
- Did your mum pass that message on? - About?
I rang to see if you fancied a quick jump.
- You said that to me mum? - Joke!
Knowing her, she'd go, "Hang on, I'll just see if she's ready."
- Aw... You two had a barney? - Chance would be a fine thing!
A new bloke walks into her life, and suddenly it's, "Karen? Who's Karen?"
You are the only person I know who's referred to me dad as a "new bloke".
Buddhists say we all get reincarnated till we've been, done, and seen it all.
Dad reckons he's way up that ladder. To hear him, you can't teach him a thing.
It's never occurred to him that he might just be thick as pig shit.
If you want rid of him, just mention full-time work.
It's not your dad that's the problem.
That's a new one.
- I might nip round later. - Oi!
Oi!
(lnaudible)
(Siren)
Look, they gave me this, and a book token.
Let's have a look.
- Golden Citizen Award. - Wow!
And this, look...
- Ooh, a tenner. - £10.
Blimey, Debs.
(# Countdown theme on TV)
(Door opens)
- Just doing a coffee if you fancy one. - I don't drink coffee.
- Been a bit worried about you. - Me?
Yeah, with all that business yesterday...
Creeps on the loose.
- You've gone a bit quiet. - I am quiet.
Where's Mum?
She's having a kip. No, it's just that girls like you...
getting the eye from all sorts. You need to...
look after yourself.
I know how to look after myself.
Whoa, whoa...
Cos now, eh, you're a young lass.
Very young. And that's dodgy.
Very dodgy.
All this could go down a long...
wrong...
big...
bad... road.
I am a bit dodgy.
And so are you,
or you wouldn't still be whispering.
Oof! Oof!
(# Countdown closing theme on TV)
She invented tons of stuff we hadn't fed her.
The more she lied, the more she smiled, the faster she talked.
I'm sticking a lock on our bedroom door.
(Chuckling)
It won't save you from a fire if she takes up arson.
(Debbie laughing)
..75, 80, 85,
90, 95, 100.
105, 10,
15, 20, 25...
(TV) '..sash windows. The main problem with sash windows is, you'll find,
'is the rotten sill. Whether it's wet rot, dry rot, it's basically...'
Sit down, love. I think he's in the bathroom.
- Frank! - Bathroom!
- Turn the fire down if it's too hot. - Fine.
- Tea or coffee, love? - I'm fine, thank you.
Who did you say you are, again?
- I'm Steve. I'm Fiona's bloke. - That's right.
Who's Fiona?
Frank's daughter.
(Chuckles) I'll tell you how it is. She's just woken up.
(Sheila laughs hysterically)
Come again?
Fiona doesn't know whether you're coming or going, right?
I mean, can we use your room,
or are you planning on coming back to Winter Gardens?
You must be fucking joking!
Right.
What are you wearing?
I've been to Rebecca's party.
(Laughter)
Is this for me?
(Steve) 'People with good imaginations get bored when nothing much happens.
'One school of thought says tackle the problem at source, treat the sickness.
'Round here, therapy was an unfamiliar word.
'Blackmail and bribery were tried and tested techniques.
'Debbie's compulsion scared us to death.
'So, when she took the most vulnerable member of the family to her bosom,
'we were thrilled.'
Hooray!
- Eh, what are you going to call it? - (Laughter)
(lndistinct chatter)
I can't find the sugar. Lip, have you put the sugar in the teapot again?
- No. - You have!
- I haven't. - You have! Look!
Don't do that, Liam!
Don't!
Liam!
Debbie, you should be ready for school.
I can't go to school.
- Why not? - I was up half the night with diarrhoea.
(Doll screaming)
'If you think that was bad, there was also three weeks off with measles.'
- Tell her teacher she's got the flu. - (Doll screaming)
It's too near the dogs. Ooh!
My shopping didn't go very well.
This has got to be a wind-up.
If you don't turn up at school, a teacher will come for you.
All you have to do is turn up and smile, then I'm sweet for sixth form.
'I've just told me own kids to go swivel.'
Come tonight, Frank.
(Frank) 'The way they grow up now.'
Is there somebody else?
(Steve) How long have you been fucking Karen?
Who do you reckon it is, Lip?
You call time on it, or I blow the whistle.
You animal!
I'm gonna fucking...
# Sunshine girl, I'm looking down your blouse
# I see two mountains
# I wonder what they are
# Won't you invite me to squeeze them tightly?
# Not bloody likely! You're such a girl! #
(Laughter)
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